Guilt vs. Conscience

Sometimes I try to realize when I'm about to fall off the cliff and stop myself from doing so. When several of my knitting friends wanted everyone to "knit for Christchurch," I wanted to, I really did.

But I've had too many balls in the air, and they aren't balls of yarn. I've donated to the Red Cross and Salvation Army to support rescue and relief efforts in a meaningful way, and thought that was probably all I could realistically do right now given our personal logistics, a new job, sick dog, etc. etc. Not enough hours in the day or night.

But then I started to feel what I thought was guilt. Seriously. These are friends who helped the past two years with "Baby Beanies for Otara." They've closed ranks to help another friend going through a major family crisis-- actually she is going through two rather critical life challenges at the same time and needs all of the support she can get. They cook casseroles, send flowers, actually call in. I can only send thoughts and prayers and wish I could do more, be a better friend. (Sometimes I just think I'm terrible for not being able to do things like this too.)

So suffering pangs, I dug into the stash to see if I could find any red and/or black to knit something quick for Christchurch. I found some Manos del Uruguay Wool Clasica in colors 08 and 115, the latter a beautiful cherry red with kettle dyed varigation. I used the "Mistake-Stitch Ribbing" from Barbara G. Walker's "A Treasury of Knitting Patterns" (the first book with the blue cover). It's quick and good for a scarf, is what I'm using for a cushion/pillow for the Knitting Studio.

I've tried to let go of guilt trips entirely given a mother who made them an art form, and thought I'd pretty much liberated myself from them in recent years. In this case I think I've succumbed to conscience, not guilt, but I've had to check to make sure:

Guilt: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offences or from a sense of inadequacy.

Conscience: the sense of the moral goodness of one's conduct, intentions or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good.

I've made a scarf to keep someone warm in Christchurch, the least I can do as a knitter. So in this instance I think I'm reacting more to a feeling of obligation to be good and do right rather than from a sense of inadequacy, although there's probably an element of that at play as well. Not sure where this leaves things with my mother, but guess we're all dealing with that one, aren't we?